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Frequently Asked Questions
Why is Vice President Cheney been replaced on the ticket with Zombie
Vice President Cheney has decided to step down, in order to spend more
time with his family.
Additionally, his de-aging process requires that he bathe in the blood
of virgins on an increasingly frequent basis. While this has not
hampered his ability to perform the duties of his office in any way,
it sort of creeps Condi out.
The rumor that the Vice President was moved to an undisclosed location
and lost is untrue.
Is Zombie Reagan up to the task?
Yes. The zombification process offers a complete rejuvenation of
physical ability, and Zombie Reagan has the constitution of
twenty-year-old athlete. In fact, he no longer needs to sleep and can
withstand any wound save the complete destruction of his head. By way
of example, Zombie Reagan would have been able to shrug off his 1981
assassination attempt and eat his attacker. He and President Bush
enjoy clearing brush together.
Can a zombie even hold elective office?
The Constitution offers no specific prohibition against zombies
serving their country. In fact, the majority of the Administration is
already composed of the undead. It is a little known fact that
Secretary of State Colin Powell is the only cabinet-level member that
still has a beating heart.
Zombie Reagan, however, cannot become President, because he has
already served two terms in that office. If George W. Bush were to die
during his second term (say, by being eaten by Zombie Reagan), three
options exist: the Speaker of the House would be elevated to the
Presidency, Congress would convene to elect a new President or the
President would undergo the zombification process and complete his
Will Zombie Reagan be the Ronald Reagan that the country remembers so
Of course. Zombie Reagan has all the genial charm and old fashioned
American optimism that we grew to love in the 1980's. His appearance
has changed slightly and he speaks with markedly different cadences --
as is common with zombies -- but he is everything he was in life...
Except warm! Ha ha!
Will Zombie Reagan require the brains of the living to feast on?
Yes. However, enough Young Republicans have volunteered to donate the
ones they aren't using that this will not be an issue.
Is Zombie Reagan really that much of an advantage? Doesn't John Kerry
have the zombie vote locked up?
No. John Kerry, in fact, isn't really a zombie. He is more akin to
Frankenstein's Monster, built out of parts stolen from graveyards
under cover of night. He simply claims to be a zombie for political
Are you afraid that Zombie Reagan will draw attention away from
No. Both the Administration and the party are confident that George
Bush's eloquence and personal style will not be overshadowed by a
lumbering, flesh-eating corpse. Well, mostly confident.
What are some other advantages of adding Zombie Reagan to the ticket?
He will demonstrate America's resolve to continue the battle against
terrorism. Instead of retreating to an undisclosed location following
an attack, for instance, Zombie Reagan will be on the front lines,
eating illegal combatants.